SEX & MANIPULATION
Sexual Gaslighting and Its Dangers
It is all about power.
“I don’t recall telling you that.”
“I guess you’re right. Silly me.”
“I’m sorry. I must have been out of my mind.”
These are a few things you can hear from a gaslighter and victim’s conversation.
The dangers of sexual gaslighting go way beyond emotional damage. It also affects victims psychologically.
The Origin of Gaslighting
The term “gaslighting” originated way back in 1944. It is solely based on a motion picture of the same title with a story revolving around a young woman who’s compelled to believe that she is mentally ill through the devious schemes and techniques crafted by her husband.
She was accused of things and was mentally swayed in order to believe that the lights were dimming as her husband lowered the gas to the lights. Unfortunately, her husband’s toxicity and manipulation led her to question her own mental health and her sense of reality.
What You Should Know About Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It is when an abusive partner causes you to doubt your memories, judgment, and even your sanity. When she tries to control you by twisting your sense of reality, you must be alarmed.
The more you’re controlled, the harder it is for you to get out.
To see whether she’s gaslighting you, here are signs you should look out for:
- You feel isolated from family and friends.
- You no longer feel satisfied doing the activities you used to enjoy.
- You keep making excuses for the way she behaves.
- You think something’s off but find it hard to identify it.
- You blame yourself right away when things go wrong.
- You wonder if you’re being too sensitive.
- You hardly feel like being the person you used to be.
- You hardly make decisions on your own.
- You keep every detail from your family and friends in order not to be confronted about your relationship.
- You question yourself whether your response to her was appropriate or not.
- You tend to apologize more than necessary.
- You feel like every single thing you do is wrong.
- You’re more anxious than you used to be.
- You’re less confident than you were before.
Someone who manipulates you will eventually become an expert in using your vulnerabilities and sensitivities against you.
Sexual Gaslighting in Relationships
Sexual gaslighting is about power. It focuses on controlling the sexual narrative and sexuality of the victim as a whole. That victim could be you.
As a gaslighter, she will focus on making you doubt your sexual reality and make it look like it’s what you wanted. Other than this, you’re more likely to become the subject of her sexual desires, and she will manipulate you into consenting to her fantasies. When in truth, you don’t want to.
One of the worst things she could do is to take advantage of you, especially when you’re in a vulnerable state. Of course, she might also be responsible for making you vulnerable. She does that to get her way and to satisfy her selfish desires.
In a study by David Wahl, Ph.D., in 2020, a participant brought up her story of sexual gaslighting. Her partner would let her consume alcohol past her tolerance and once her focus could no longer protect her, he’d perform anal sex on her, which she did not give her consent to.
By the time she regained consciousness and realized what happened, she was told that it was what she wanted and that she asked for it.
This is when it becomes dangerous. From the incident above, the victim is later on led to believe that because she was drunk, she may have forgotten that she gave her permission. When in reality, she did not. Her partner simply twisted her understanding of the situation.
It’s sad to think how sexual gaslighters are quick to dismiss the emotions of their partners. When you get to be in a relationship with a gaslighter, it’s less likely for you to feel happiness and fulfillment from the relationship.
What You Can Do About It
The first thing you must do is to determine when her behavior is sexually appropriate or not. When dealing with this matter, you have to do it discreetly.
Don’t take gaslighting lightly or you might lose control of your sexuality which can affect the development of your sexual character.
On another note, her abuse also increases the risk of contracting STIs. If infidelity is a part of her gaslighting and she does unsafe sexual acts behind your back, you’ll most likely be blamed when she gets infected.
Would it be possible to be gaslighted by a narcissist?
Yes.
But you should know that not all gaslighters are narcissists.
A narcissist lies and manipulates to make themselves feel better, while a gaslighter lies and manipulates to establish dominance and control over a person.
For some, they’re simply unaware of their toxic behavior. It’s important that you confront them. Though trying to make them admit the truth is hard, you still have to try. Remember, good communication is essential in every relationship.
A Brief Psychology About Gaslighters
As mentioned earlier, not all gaslighters are aware of what they’re doing. Most times, they do it unconsciously. This is why you should deal with them directly.
If your partner understands and realizes the outcome of what she has done, she’d feel bad about how you felt, and this will make her change.
Sexual gaslighting is destructive and disrespectful. So when it reaches a point where it can be considered an assault or rape, ask for help. This is not a problem you should handle alone, and you don’t have to be ashamed of it.
Mindfulness as a Way to Combat Gaslighting
Altering someone’s reality is greedy. When it comes to relationships, it’s possible for you to meet women who are sexually abusive.
Here’s how you can protect yourself from being gaslighted:
- Writing a journal.
- Link your mind and body through meditation and yoga.
- Keep a clear head.
- Be mentally calm.
- Know your truthful reality.
- Shift perspectives to adjust to hers, but don’t lose yourself in the process.
- Learn how to balance addressing her needs and yours altogether.
Mindfulness isn’t the only tool you can use to avoid being gaslighted. Since it’s a form of abuse, don’t be afraid to reach out to others for help. Simply keep in mind that you’re not alone.
